In which I get honest about the trickiest of tricksters

Guys, it is the middle of my work day. I’m sitting at home, working from home – because I can do that, you see – and I am so distracted and so bummed out. My body is aching, my head is pounding and I can’t shake a way-more-than-vague sense that I am just doing life all wrong.

…Not where I expected that first paragraph to end up, if I’m being honest with you.

And I guess I am being honest, huh? WORD VOMIT, ACTIVATE.

Depression is the weirdest thing, isn’t it? There are so many incredibly varying manifestations of it, so many different ways to experience it. I’ll never stop being totally blown away by this feeling of knowing that it’s here, knowing what it’s doing – and not being able to control it. How utterly bizarre to know that the reason my body aches, the reason I was just lying there in bed this morning, the reason I’m not in the mood to hang out with friends is this one thing – this one thing that tricks me into believing I’m someone else.

I don’t know who that “someone else” is, but Lord knows I don’t feel like me.

You’d think if I knew all of this, if I can feel it coming on and understand the effects, that I could just shake it off. I can’t shake it off. You can’t shake it off.

I want you to think of the longest string of expletives that you possibly can. Are you doing that? Awesome. Now attribute those words to me. Right here.

(Just make sure you’re saying them all angry-tired.)

in which i think about how it’s winter. and ugh.

So I used to really despise Valentine’s Day. I mean, high school-style despise, maybe even wear black just to get some kicks. I once wore sparkly eyeshadow and then felt a deep self-loathing.

But then I started getting older and achier, and I started realizing how much January, February and March absolutely and totally suck in New England; they are gray, and they are cold, and everything – everything, y’all – is enormously dead. It’s really some depressing stuff. So I got to liking Valentine’s Day and all of its red and pink and sparkle. I’ve been known to throw a girls’ party or two. (I’ve been known to plan even more, but let’s be real, they don’t always happen.)

And then… Then came Pinterest. And God help us all. I’ve done some really fun Valentine’s crafts over the past handful of years – but I’ve also moved like three times. And things tend to go missing. I miss them, and I think it’s high time to create a few more.

A few I’m considering:

PincoVDay

Clockwise from left: One, two, three, four, five

So that’s my plan for staying a little warmer this next month – Valentine’s Day crafts. And lots of hot cocoa. And coffee. And blankets and probably a good amount of fleece from Old Navy.

Ain’t no one solution, and I think we all know that. Oh, winter. I’m sending so much “blergh” your way.

In which I wax poetic. Or philosophical. Or candles. Whatever, I don’t know.

I read too many blogs. You know how I know this? Because I sat down to write, and my first thought was, “So what’ll I DO in this first post? A list of resolutions? A check-in on my domestic progress? An outfit of the day or a photo of my last meal?”

And oh, gosh, maybe I’ll do all of those things, at some point. Who knows? I certainly won’t do them half as well as anyone out there already – so why not just write? Right? (HA. See what I did there?)

I’ve actually been at this for a long time, y’all… Since I was 15, to be exact. I had my first website on a “select” freeserver called Manifest-Angel.com. (If anyone else remembers Manifest-Angel, I am sending you a virtual high five, because you are seriously a soul sister. It is one of my FAVORITE THINGS to reminisce about.) I wrote and designed pretty consistently throughout college, and then I just sort of… Stopped. I majored in web design very briefly, thought I’d pursue it after I graduated, and then my mind changed. As it often does, if we’re being honest, but the work became less fun when I had to do it, and the world freaked me out with tales of websites fading from favor and webdesign being a dead end. And that’s a story of woe, or something, but not really – because I ended up working in the nonprofit sector, with urban youth, and I’ve been happy as a clam for five years.

And then something changed. The work got really hard (really hard), in a way that only nonprofit folks who’ve poured their heart and soul into nonprofit work can really understand, I think. (Hashtag: nonprofitproblems.) And my spark started fading and my health started fading and my whole, entire life was affected. Has been affected, is affected. And I still love what I do, but I need to start exploring, living a bit more.

And so that’s what I’m here to do. Or, at least, that’s what I’m here to talk about. Maybe it’ll be suuuuuuuper fascinating, and I’ll have the Internet sitting on the edge of its collective seat (move out, Kim Kardashian)… But probably it’ll just be honest. And maybe a little bit relatable. Maybe I’ll crack a few jokes, or something, make y’all chuckle. (WINKY FACE.)

Stay tuned. 🙂